You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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