The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
