I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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