The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
