I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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