you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
