My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize
