Apparently you make a good broom.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
