omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
