my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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