i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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