"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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