I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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