so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
