hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
