I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
