i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize