i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
