Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
