We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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