hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
