sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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