Duck Duck Cougar?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
