Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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