The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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