is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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