All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
