Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
