its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
