Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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