The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He did a backflip because drugs
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