respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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