I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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