I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
