I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
