I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
