I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
