You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize