You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
