You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
