There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
