Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
