Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
