Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
