the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
