Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
