You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize