Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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