god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
