When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
