So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
