Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
