I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
