god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
